Sometimes, I'm a bit of an arsehole.

It’s not just me either. All yoga teachers and practitioners feel things.

We get cranky, swear a lot, feel jealous, and experience a whole range of ugly emotions and behaviours we’d rather not. Ok, by ‘we’, I obviously mean me. But I know a lot of fellow teachers, and we all experience varying levels of human-ness. I think it’s high time we de-bunked the myth that teachers are holier-than-thou beings of serenity and brought them back down to earth with the rest of us. Don’t get me wrong, there are teachers and practitioners out there (I think) who have these qualities, which is wonderful. I however, tend to fall into the other camp of hormonal-time-bomb-of-rage from time to time, and I think that can be a bit wonderful too – we need all sorts in this world.

I can’t tell you how many times students have stared at me agog when I’ve accidentally said ‘shit’ in class, or that one time (though while pregnant I’ll have you know), I was unable to perform Uttanasana, not because of my giant belly, but because the packet of maltesers I’d eaten before class was giving me heart burn. Yes, we do dumb stuff. Sometimes we get frustrated when our students just won’t listen. Yes, I have been known to eat KFC. Yes, sometimes I actually do care what my outer body looks like.

Recently, I have been known to feel a LOT of emotions that are relatively new to me – jealousy being a key one that has really taken me by surprise. It’s never been in my nature to be jealous – ‘Why would I be jealous? I have no right!’. The last few times the green monster has reared it’s incredibly ugly head, I have been utterly disgusted in myself, and subsequently very angry (and it goes on: anger leads to hate, hate leads to blah blah blah). I have been known to tantrum the words ‘but I don’t get jealous!’ Well suck it up sister, because here it is.

The good news is, that this is actually quite alright. The difference that being a yoga practitioner and teacher has made for me, is that when I feel all of these things (and let me tell you, our recent super moon has sent them into my sections thick and fast), I am able to step back and acknowledge that it’s ok to just be exactly as I am.

One of my dear colleagues and teachers recently wrote a bit about just ‘being’ here, and that really resonated with me. I’m not going to lie, I am really not enjoying this jealous-cranky-whingey version of myself, but I am holding on to the fact that we are always transitioning from one version of ourselves to another, and I have faith that essentially I’ll get over it and perhaps another version that I’m more keen on might arrive. In the past I would have worked my arse off trying to ‘change’ my attitude for the better, however now my attitude is one of acknowledgment.

For example: ‘I feel like a bit of an arsehole right now. Really? That’s interesting!’

So next time you are basically feeling incredibly shit, just remind yourself that nothing is permanent and change is inevitable – don’t waste all your energy fighting what you are. You’re pretty good already, even with all your ugly faces on.

xx

L.

 

This post was originally published on my old blog, which you can trawl through here